Letter to My 14 Year Old Self – A Runaway’s Story

I am sharing my story in the hopes that it may prevent a young person from running away, to show that the world is not a safe place and even though life at home seems to be unbearable what lies ahead in the world is much worse.

When I was 14 I thought I knew it all. I had a troubled past filled with divorce and physical and sexual abuse. Coming from a small town everyone knew what I had been through in my life and passed judgment. I had very little friends, was picked on constantly by the ‘popular crowd’, struggled with my weight and constantly fought with my Mother.

One day I trusted a teen age friend of mine that lived one town over from me who listened intently to my plight over the phone. He told me I could come live with him and that everything would be ok. This was what I always wanted, someone to console, protect and love me. Being young I did not question the offer of whether or not it was true I wanted this so bad I was willing to take that chance.

Being a teen I took his offer to help at face value never looking at the fact that he was my age, 14 that he did not have a job or his own house but I wanted so badly to escape the life I had and the pain I felt, to feel loved and to be accepted.

The next morning I left a note on the table for my Mother that I was running away while she was at work. I packed a small bag and called a cab. My ‘friend’ said he would pay for the cab when I got there but I decided to bring the only money I had just in case, a bag of pennies. I felt so happy on the cab ride that I was off to my new life and everything was going to be just how I wanted it. I was going and was never looking back.

When I got to his house he told me he had no money so I had to use the pennies I had. Everything was fine for a few hours until he told me I had to leave because his parents were coming home.

My plans were ruined and I had no idea what to do. The only thing I did know is that I was not going home. As I walked the streets of the city trying to think of a plan a car pulled up beside me with two older men. They were very nice to me and offered to ‘hang out’. I asked them if we would stay within the city and they agreed.

Getting into that car was a mistake I regret and have paid for through out my life. These men turned violent and changed their plans. The next thing I new I was miles away being raped by both men. As if that was not enough they decided to continue controlling me not letting me out of their sight. I believe they were planning on prostituting me as they talked to many men who pulled up to the side walk where they had me stand for hours.

From the minute the plans turned sour, when these men transformed from being friendly wanting to help people to evil monsters I began to long from my home. It seemed like my whole past life flashed before me with the thought of possibly never going home again, never seeing my Mom again. I prayed to God in the back of the car to let me go home and that I would never run away again. It was that moment that I saw that all though my life had ups and downs it was not that bad compared to what was happening to me.

Eventually I broke away from the men who raped me and stopped an oncoming car. I screamed for him to drive and then explained what had happened to me as we were driving. This man urged me to go home or at least to the hospital but now that I was safe I did not want to go home. Now it was for a different reason; shame.

In my mind it was my fault that I was raped because I had run away from home and I got into the car willingly. If I had ever thought I was damaged goods before now I truly was. Being so ashamed feeling so damaged I thought that I belonged on the street as a run away, that I deserved any thing that happened to me.

God sent me a message just then as I went to the bathroom. He wanted to remind me of the promise I gave him in the back of that car to go home. I began hemorrhaging from the damage the men who raped me did internally and externally to my private areas. I had no choice but to go to the hospital now.

At the hospital I was forced to tell my story to the nurses, the police, the counselors and then the hardest of them all my Mom. I thought my Mom would look down upon me because of what happened to me or that she would be angry at me to my surprise my Mom held me in her arms like we had been best friends for my whole life. She was the one who stood beside me as the doctor stitched me inside and out. I found that love, acceptance and protection right in front of me where it had been all my life; in my Mother.

I can not preach to you not to run away because I did that very same thing. I can not tell you that your teenage years will be easy because I know first hand how hard it is. I can not tell you to love yourself no matter what others say or do because it took me years to be able to do just that. What I can do is share with you my experiences on how the grass is not always greener on the other side and hope that if a young person is thinking about running away my story may change their mind.

Community VOICES

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Angela's Story

Have you ever thought about running away?