Protecting Your Children From Sexual Abuse
TALKING TO YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE
Talk openly with your children about sexual development, behavior and abuse.
Tell your children that, if anyone: touches or tries to see their private parts, tries to get them to touch or look at another person's private parts, shows them pictures of or tries to take pictures of their private parts, talks to them about sex, walks in on them in the bathroom or does anything that makes them feel uncomfortable to Tell you or a "support person" as soon as they can or the next time they see you.
Tell your children that , some children and adults have "touching problems". These people can make "secret touching" look accidental and they should still tell you even if they think it was an accident.
Tell your children that touching problems are kind of like stealing or lying and that the people who have those kinds of problems need special help so they don't continue to have problems or get in trouble. Don't describe it as a "sickness".
Tell your children that some people try to trick kids into keeping the touching a secret. Tell your children that "we don't want those kinds of secrets in our family".
Give your children examples of things that someone might use to try to get them to keep a secret: candy, money, special privileges, threats, subtle fear of loss, separation or punishment etc.
Tell your children that touching other people's private parts is not ok for children to do or for adults to do with children. Tell them that you do not want them to do "secret touching" with other people but that you will not be mad at them if they do come and Tell you it has happened. Even if it has been happening a lot.
Talk to your children about safety issues at least twice a year. Develop a family plan for answering the phone, fire safety, getting lost and "secret touching". Play "what if" games with them in the car on a regular basis (monthly).
Make sure they have support people they can talk to at home, at school, in their extended family, neighborhood or church. Have them pick out three people and tell you who they are. Put the phone numbers next to your phone and let them know that, if for any reason , they cannot talk to you - that they should call/or go see another support person.
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CHILD GETS ABUSED
If your child tells you that he or she has been touched inappropriately, stay calm. Your reaction may make your child feel more guilty or afraid and they might have a harder time talking about what happened.
Tell your child you are glad they told you about it. Telling was a good way to take care of themselves and also, the person who touched them. That person needs help with their "touching problem". Tell your child that you will take care of things. Tell your child that you will need TO talk to someone to figure out what to do next. Be careful to not make promises you can't keep.
Seek support and comfort for yourself where the child can't see or hear what you say.
In order to avoid confusion, anxiety or guilt, children should not overhear conversations about their disclosure. Too much information/discussion can also interfere with the police investigation or prosecution.
Call your local child abuse hotline or local police department and report the abuse. Failing to report the abuse ASAP may mean that other children might get abused too. Don't try to handle the situation yourself.
Don't think you are helping a friend or relative by not reporting. Offenders rely on your good will and trust. They will tell you anything to avoid being reported.
The prognosis for healing after being molested is better for children who are supported and believed when they disclose.
Don't allow any further contact between the child and alleged offender. Don't confront the offender yourself.
SAFETY TIPS FOR SUPERVISION OF CHILDREN
Trust your instincts. "Perception and not worry is what serves safety" (deBecker.1999)
Don't let young male children go into a men's public restroom by themselves.
Be cautious about who you allow to babysit or spend time alone with your children. Get references. Try to bathe and dress your own children. Routinely quiz your children about what happens while you are gone. Ask questions like "what did you do that was fun?", or "Was there anything that happened while I was gone that worried you, that you didn't like, or that I should know about?" Don't always tell your children to mind the babysitter. Avoid having young male babysitters.
Get to know the people and homes where your children play.
Periodically check on your children, especially when they are playing with other kids in your home. If you know that one of your children's friends has been sexually abused, be more attentive to their play time.
Don't let your children walk or ride their bike to school or to a friend's home alone. Children should travel in groups or with an adult.
Know your neighbors. Develop a Neighborhood Watch or Block House program.
Who is the typical child molester?
I am probably well known and liked by you and your child.
I can be a man or woman, married or single.
I can be a child, adolescent, or adult.
I can be of any race, hold any religious belief, and have any sexual preference.
I can be a parent, step-parent, relative, family friend, teacher, clergyman, babysitter, or anyone who comes into contact with children.
I am most likely a stable, employed, respected member of the community.
My education and my intelligence don't prevent me from molesting your child.
I can be anybody.
How Child Molesters Gain Access to Your Child
It is very easy to gain access to your child.
I pay attention to your child and make them feel special.
I present the appearance of being someone you and your family can trust and rely on.
I get to know your child's likes and dislikes very well.
I go out of the way to buy gifts or treats your child will like.
I isolate your child by involving them in fun activities so we can be together - alone.
If you are a single parent, I may prey on your fears about your child lacking a father figure or stable home life.
If my career involves working with children, I may choose to spend my free time helping children or taking them on "special outings" by myself.
I take advantage of your child's natural curiosity about sex by telling them "dirty" jokes, showing them pornography, and playing sexual games.
I will probably know more about what kids like than you do; i.e. music, clothing, video games, etc.
I make comments like "Anyone who molests a child should be shot!" or "Sexually abusing kids is the sickest thing anyone can do."
If I am a parent, it is even easier for me to isolate, control and molest my own children. I can sexually abuse my children without my wife ever suspecting a thing. I gradually block the communication between my children and their mother and make it look like I am the "good guy".
PREVENTION
ADVICE FROM SEX OFFENDERS
Don't feel that your child is safe from me! At least one out of every four children will be molested by the age of eighteen. Here are some ways to protect children from me.
Don't expect your child to be able to protect themselves from me or assume that they will be able to tell you that I am abusing them.
Communication: listen, believe and trust what your child tells you. Children rarely lie about sexual abuse.
Education: teach your child healthy values about sexuality. If you don't teach your child....I WILL.
Watch for any symptoms of sexual abuse your child might demonstrate.
An excellent guide for teaching children about sexual abuse is A Very Touching book by Jan Hindman; for teens No Is Not Enough by Caren Adams, Jennifer Fay, and Jan Loreen-Martin; for adults By Silence Betrayed by John Crewdson.
Give your child specific information about where on their body they should not be touched or touch others.
Let them know that people who touch children's private parts need help because they have a problem with touching.
Remind your child that "secret touching" is never the child's fault. Talk to your child about the ways someone might try to "trick" them into going along with the "secret touching" or not telling you that it is happening to them.
Make sure your child knows that you want them to tell you immediately if something should happen and that, despite what anyone else may tell them, they will not be in trouble.
Get to know your child's friends and the homes in which your child plays.
Be wary of older children or adults who want to spend a lot of time alone with your child.
Trust your intuition: if you feel something is not right in your child's relationships, act on it.
Learn about the prevention program that your school uses and discuss it with your children. Have "safety talks" with your children several times a year. Add information about the risk of encountering sexually explicit materials and adult offenders in the community and on the Internet.
Almost one quarter of children are exposed to "unwanted" pornography via the Internet. Use an ISP that offers screening for obscenity and pornography.
Parents can defeat me if the work together.
Educate yourself, your family and your community.
